New Research About Shacking Up Before Marriage

Live Science published new research that looked at the reasons why couples who shack up before getting married have a higher rate of divorce. It seems that couples who live together before making the commitment to marriage tend to be motivated for other reasons to get married than couples who don't live together prior to getting engaged or married.

When you live with someone, you combine financial commitments, share furniture, and share pets. You become involved with each others families and may be pressured by them to make the relationship official. I've heard of several couples who lived together prior to getting married say that they got married because it was what they were supposed to do.

I found this very interesting because when the research came out years ago that couples that lived together were more likely to get divorced, there was a lot of speculation to the cause. A lot of people believed that the couples divorced because they did not have the moral or religious foundation compared to couples who waited to live together till they were married. I never believed that to be the case and I'm glad to see that research is showing there are more complicated reasons for the higher divorce rate among couples who live together prior to saying, "I do."

I've lived with 2 men in my life. The first, a serious boyfriend, looked at living together as a convenience and not as the stepping stone to marriage that I saw it to be. I moved in to his apartment, so when the relationship ended, I had to move out which was a lot to deal with along with the emotions of a break up. The second, my now ex-husband, moved in with me very early in the relationship and we chose to live together to save money on paying two rents. I preferred having him live with me because if we did break up, I would be the one who would stay and that seemed much easier. Plus, I could afford all the bills myself so if we stopped living together, I'd still be able to stay in my place. I didn't buy real estate or make large purchases with either because I knew I wouldn't want to have that hassle if things didn't work out.

Based on my experiences and lessons learned through others, these are my cohabitation rules:

1. Do not live with someone before getting engaged (this ensures that both of you are on the same page about where the relationship is going)
2. Have a wedding date set or general idea of a wedding date before moving in (whether it's April 24th or next spring, have a general idea of when you'll be getting married because that ensures both committed to not just being engaged but also getting married.)
3. Do not buy real estate together until after the wedding (It can be harder to sell a house than it is to get a divorce. I don't want that level of responsibility until after the ceremony. Although, living in a house one of us owns would be fine, I just wouldn't buy together yet.)
4. Agree on a way to discuss concerns or hesitations about getting married so that it doesn't become something that can't be discussed. (I need to be able to say that I didn't realize he was such a slob and I don't know if I can live with this forever so we can figure out whether it's something that can be resolved or something I have to decide if I can learn to live with it. Knowing that these conversations will likely come up makes it easier to have them than waiting until something bothers you and not being sure how to talk about it.)
5. Agree on finances ahead of moving in together. Money is the number one stressor in a relationship. Everyone thinks about money differently so it's important to have a game plan going in to a joint venture.
6. Have an exit strategy. (I know, this sounds callous and like you're expecting it not to work, but I think knowing how things would happen if there was a break up provides a peace of mind of that dreaded what if.)