Young, Divorced and Fabulous!

I Just Published a Book on Divorce!

2011-01-19T21:21:00.000-05:00

I'm proud to announce that I recently published a book, entitled, The Mini Marriage: 5 Bite Sized Memoirs of Young Divorce, with some fellow divorced friends. We're five women who were all married and divorced in our 20s. We had short “mini” marriages that only lasted a few years and ended before we had children. As we were getting divorced, we couldn't find any resources to help us heal or to give us hope. That's when we decided that we needed to reach out to the millions of young women who go through a mini marriage each year and offer them the support that we craved while we were divorcing.

Not only is this a website and a book, it's a movement. It's a Sisterhood of Young Divorced Women.

Please check us out at www.TheMiniMarriage.com and join us on facebook. We'd love to hear what you think!

When Does the Pain Stop?

2009-10-13T21:26:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure who wrote this but I thought it was an amazing piece written on pain:

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: When you are ready

Checking the Divorce Box

2009-09-30T21:13:00.000-04:00

I remember when I started a new job and sat down on the first day to the mountain of new hire paperwork I had to fill out. I was diligently going through it, printing my name, signing my name, writing the date over and over and over. Then I came to a piece that asked me for my marital status. I could check Single, Married, Divorced or Widowed. Why is it there business if I was married? Doesn't it only matter if I'm currently married? I felt like my privacy was invaded and I was being branded as I checked off Divorced. That's when I realized that there is a truly ugly segregation going on across America: The segregation of Singles!

I guess you're only good enough to be considered single if you've never been married. If you are divorced or widowed, you have to continually be reminded of that painful experience every time you get a new job, new insurance or a new doctor.

I wonder what would happen if I refused to be segregated? What if i fought back against this division and checked single? If they found out that I had been divorced and didn't disclose it, could I be fired for lying on my paperwork? Could I lose my insurance? What exactly are the consequences for rebelling against this form of segregation? Not wanting to take my chances with my income or my health, I dutifully got into the Divorced Line and checked the box indicating that I am divorced. My paperwork probably got stamped with a Scarlet "D"!

Young Divorce - Avril Lavigne separates from husband

2009-09-17T21:05:00.001-04:00

Avril Lavigne has just separated from her husband after a brief mini marriage. They met and fell in love as teenagers and were together over 6 years and had no children together.

The #1 Divorce Lesson

2009-09-15T21:33:00.001-04:00

To love someone with all your heart and all your soul and all your being and then it ends. How is that possible? How does that happen? And how can you even survive that? I don't know the answer to any of those questions. All I know is that you do survive, somehow. You learn to go on.

I survived. I went on. And in the process, I learned one of life's lessons - that life isn't fair and life doesn't follow your plans. Once I accepted that lesson and relinquished my plans and my dreams and allowed my life to take a different course than what I had envisioned, I was able to stop trying to control my life and I was able to breathe. I was able to start living, really living.

And through this lesson, I've gained a happiness that I've never experienced in my life. I used to have a life I didn't even like but I was bound to it because it was the life I had planned. I tried to make it work and I tried to make it look like the life I had envisioned but I was trapped and unhappy. It's been 5 years since I got divorced and I now have a life that I didn't plan at all, and I'm happy, genuinely happy every single day. And more surprises keep popping up and I look forward to every twist and turn in my life and what new adventure lays ahead.

My suggestion for happiness is to quit trying to control your life and be open to the gifts that you are given. Life is more beautiful than even you could have planned if you'll stop and give it a chance.

Marriage Crisis

2009-09-11T23:59:00.003-04:00

A review of Laura Munson's Marriage Crisis:

I smiled as I read Laura's story, one of innocence and naivety of a woman who didn't have to go through a divorce. While I'm happy that she has salvaged her marriage, I think the true story is about the lengths we go through to deny that our marriages are broken. Denial is the first stage of grief and it's what protects us while we try to wrap our heads around the revelation we've just experienced.

I was once just like Laura - not wanting to let go of my marriage despite all the mounting evidence that it was over. But, unlike Laura, I chose to step out of denial and I chose to divorce my husband. But, I had my nails dug in deep into the land of denial. My now ex-husband came home from work on our 2nd anniversary and announced that he thought he was gay. Shocked and horrified, I told him that was not possible. Screwed up - yes. Gay - no. I threw myself into positive thinking and wrote affirmations and I actually thought it was starting to work. He seemed to waiver at times and talked about a future for us. That's all it took for me to be even more dedicated to being loving, supportive and accepting of him so that I could save our marriage. I rationalized his admission and downplayed it. I was willing to do whatever it took to save my marriage until the day I realized that I didn't actually have a marriage. It was then that I realized that I may be legally married but the relationship I had was merely a roommate situation. He did offer to stay married to me but that was not the marriage I wanted. Laura welcomed her husband back and they chose to build a new marriage together. For her, holding onto denial worked. But, for millions of women, it doesn't. My story shows what happens when denial doesn't work. And, when I realized it wasn't going to work, I decided to take action. I moved out, filed for divorced and embraced being young, divorced and fabulous.

Trash the Dress - just one idea on what to do with your old wedding dress

2009-08-25T22:14:00.004-04:00

You spend several thousand dollars on your wedding dress and after that one magical day, you're left wondering, what should I do with this dress? Well, one option is a trend sweeping the nation called, Trash the Dress. Women don their wedding dresses one more time for a photo shoot of them wearing the dress of their dreams in unusual locations. (like the bride above). Most popular are beaches and swimming pools, where women frolic in the water, drowning their beautiful dresses. I was initially horrified to see dresses that cost as much as a down payment on a house be so casually destroyed. Despite my initial horror, the photos are very artistic and mirror the couture bridal images that grace magazine pages.

When I first heard of this trend, I thought - Now that's one way to ditch your dress. I thought it would be a perfect post divorce act. Even though this is usually done by newlyweds, I have a feeling that this trend will soon be embraced by divorced women across the nation.

I can just see it now: Women looking for a way to celebrate their new found freedom and independence following a divorce will be putting on their old wedding dresses and heading out to their local rivers, parks, barns etc. to trash their dresses!

If you'd like some inspiration, here's a video of a Trash Your Dress photo shoot that's incredibly beautiful and artistic.

Divorce is One Hell of a Rollercoaster Ride!

2009-08-17T23:34:00.003-04:00

Divorce is guaranteed to be a white knuckle, gut thrusting, laughing, screaming kind of ride.

Thinking about getting divorced is like waiting in line at an amusement park. At any point, you can get out of line. But, just like divorce, there comes a point when there is no turning back. As you get strapped in and that bar locks into place, you're going on this ride, like it or not. Your heart is pounding as the wheels start to grind forward. You're filled with excitement and fear and your body is pumping pure adrenaline. As you start to climb the first hill, the tension mounts and you may start regretting your decision or you may be anxious to reach the top. Either way, you're not happy with where you are at that particular second. As you reach the top of that first hill, you hope for the best, raise your arms and scream louder than you thought possible as you plummet back to the ground. Your body shakes and the cars lurch into a turn and then head up another hill, this time faster and then you get pulled right over the top and almost out of your seat as you fly down another hill with your stomach in your throat. By the time the ride ends, your heart is pounding out of your chest and you're out of breath. You stumble off the ride feeling like you're slightly intoxicated. Love it; hate it ~ either way, it was one hell of a ride.

Is it possible to be Young, Divorced and Fabulous?

2009-08-12T22:44:00.001-04:00

Is it possible to be young, divorced and fabulous? Absolutely!

When you are in the midst of going through a divorce, it's common to identify your self worth based on the fact that your marriage did not last. I hear people describe themselves as being a failure or a loser all the time from young people going through a divorce. I believe that's because their divorce is the biggest part of their life at that moment and so they are viewing themselves in terms of their marriage and impending divorce.

A divorce is an experience, albeit a very painful one. But, it is not a definition of who you are. Divorced is just one adjective in a list of probably 100 or so that could describe you. Why are you choosing to highlight and focus on that one? Your focus should be on the great qualities that you know you have. Are you smart, quirky, funny, friendly, helpful, happy, thoughtful, musical, quick thinking, strong, sensitive, or have some other great quality? The more you focus on what you love about yourself, the more likely you will quit viewing your divorce as failing and view it as surviving.

You are a survivor. And you are young, divorced and fabulous! Embrace it.

Calculate Your Risk of Divorce with the Divorce Calculator

2009-08-09T03:40:00.005-04:00

Divorce 360.com has a calculator that will evaluate your risk of getting divorced. I plugged in my information from when I was married and it resulted in an average risk of getting divorce. Not high, not low, just average. Based on my stats, I tend to agree.

Even though this was designed for first marriages, I decided to plug in my current information to see how that would affect my risk of divorce if I was married. The actual percentage was slightly lower but I was still in the average risk of getting divorced category. Good to know if I ever remarry.

I'm totally hooked on this tool. I'm going to go plug in the info on my friends and family right now!

New Research About Shacking Up Before Marriage

2009-08-08T21:56:00.007-04:00

Live Science published new research that looked at the reasons why couples who shack up before getting married have a higher rate of divorce. It seems that couples who live together before making the commitment to marriage tend to be motivated for other reasons to get married than couples who don't live together prior to getting engaged or married.

When you live with someone, you combine financial commitments, share furniture, and share pets. You become involved with each others families and may be pressured by them to make the relationship official. I've heard of several couples who lived together prior to getting married say that they got married because it was what they were supposed to do.

I found this very interesting because when the research came out years ago that couples that lived together were more likely to get divorced, there was a lot of speculation to the cause. A lot of people believed that the couples divorced because they did not have the moral or religious foundation compared to couples who waited to live together till they were married. I never believed that to be the case and I'm glad to see that research is showing there are more complicated reasons for the higher divorce rate among couples who live together prior to saying, "I do."

I've lived with 2 men in my life. The first, a serious boyfriend, looked at living together as a convenience and not as the stepping stone to marriage that I saw it to be. I moved in to his apartment, so when the relationship ended, I had to move out which was a lot to deal with along with the emotions of a break up. The second, my now ex-husband, moved in with me very early in the relationship and we chose to live together to save money on paying two rents. I preferred having him live with me because if we did break up, I would be the one who would stay and that seemed much easier. Plus, I could afford all the bills myself so if we stopped living together, I'd still be able to stay in my place. I didn't buy real estate or make large purchases with either because I knew I wouldn't want to have that hassle if things didn't work out.

Based on my experiences and lessons learned through others, these are my cohabitation rules:

Do not live with someone before getting engaged (this ensures that both of you are on the same page about where the relationship is going)
Have a wedding date set or general idea of a wedding date before moving in (whether it's April 24th or next spring, have a general idea of when you'll be getting married because that ensures both committed to not just being engaged but also getting married.)
Do not buy real estate together until after the wedding (It can be harder to sell a house than it is to get a divorce. I don't want that level of responsibility until after the ceremony. Although, living in a house one of us owns would be fine, I just wouldn't buy together yet.)
Agree on a way to discuss concerns or hesitations about getting married so that it doesn't become something that can't be discussed. (I need to be able to say that I didn't realize he was such a slob and I don't know if I can live with this forever so we can figure out whether it's something that can be resolved or something I have to decide if I can learn to live with it. Knowing that these conversations will likely come up makes it easier to have them than waiting until something bothers you and not being sure how to talk about it.)
Agree on finances ahead of moving in together. Money is the number one stressor in a relationship. Everyone thinks about money differently so it's important to have a game plan going in to a joint venture.
Have an exit strategy. (I know, this sounds callous and like you're expecting it not to work, but I think knowing how things would happen if there was a break up provides a peace of mind of that dreaded what if.)

Heading to Divorce Court Dancing to Chris Brown

2009-08-04T12:02:00.001-04:00

Web sensation wedding dance prompts the couple to spoof a hypothetical divorce dance. If only divorce could be this hysterically funny! Click on the photo to watch the video.

It's Better to Have Loved and Lost than to Still Be with that Jerk!

2009-08-03T00:26:00.004-04:00

Why is it that when you're heart is broken, people always like to give you a list of cheese-y quotes that are supposed to make you feel better but lets get real; they just make you want to punch the person in the throat.

When I went public with my divorce, well meaning individuals (who will remain unnamed in order to protect them from ridicule) offered me the following lines:

1. It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Seriously?!! I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die and this is the best you can do.

2. Time heals all things. Great. I'll keep you posted on when hell freezes over.

3. It just wasn't meant to be. That's a shocker since the marriage is over and we're now divorcing.

4. Well, at least you didn't have kids. This was probably the hardest for me to hear coming out of my mini marriage. I wanted to have children and even had names picked out for our kids. Letting go of the children I thought I was going to have was one of the most painful parts of my divorce. To be getting divorced without children doesn't make the divorce any easier or less painful, like so many people think. It just makes the divorce less complicated.

If you have any other comments you'd like me to add, please let me know and I'll update my list.

Stages of Grief During a Divorce

2009-07-30T21:00:00.006-04:00

Grief is usually the term that is used to describe a death not a divorce. But in my mind, divorce is like a death - the death of a marriage and the death of a future planned with your spouse. If your spouse had died, you'd be grieving for them, your marriage, and your future that you aren't going to be able to have. With a divorce, you grieve the same things. Even though a death and a divorce are very different, the grief has similarities.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's research on grief highlights 5 stages.

Stage 1: Denial - this is when you don't want to accept that your marriage is over and you pretend that divorce isn't going to happen. A common thought is, "this is not happening."

Stage 2: Anger - this is when you get pissed off that you're going through a divorce and may feel angry at your soon to be ex.

Stage 3: Bargaining - this is when you try to fix your marriage or yourself in a way to avoid getting a divorce.

Stage 4: Depression - this is when you feel sad that your marriage is ending and you're going to be getting a divorce.

Stage 5: Acceptance - this is when you've fully gone through all the stages listed and are finally at peace with being divorced.

What I find really interesting is that grief is not a straight line through those 5 stages. People, including myself, tend to bounce around between the stages before finally reaching acceptance. I've even thought I was in the acceptance stage only to have some event, thought, or song on the radio trigger feelings of anger or sadness. My marriage lasted 3.5 years before the divorce was finalized and I think it took me longer than that to deal with all of my feelings and reach a state of acceptance. As time went on, triggers happened less and less often until they stopped all together.

Divorce is a traumatic event. Be kind to yourself as you navigate through these stages and give yourself time to heal.

Kate Walsh's Mini Marriage - Latest Celeb Divorce

2009-07-28T09:15:00.004-04:00

After just 15 months of marriage, Kate Walsh is getting divorced. She's the latest celebrity to have a mini marriage.

To read the latest gossip, please click on the title or copy and paste this link into your browser: http://www.celebitchy.com/28156/kate_walsh_counterfiles_for_divorce/

Divorce Parties

2009-07-27T13:14:00.002-04:00

Divorce parties are becoming a popular way to mark the transition from married life back to single life. It may seem ironic to celebrate a traumatic experience like divorce but I believe it's an important part of the healing process to clearly define the ending of one of your life's chapters and the beginning of a new chapter.

When I got divorced, one of my best friends took me out to dinner the day it became finalized and we toasted to the end of my painful marriage and she bestowed wishes of a happy future upon me. I felt relieved to be done with the divorce process and hopeful to be moving forward.

For all my fellow divorcees, cheers to a happily ever after divorced life!

To read the full article on divorce parties, either click on the title or copy and paste the following link: http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article6722179.ece

Young Divorce Research Survey - I Need Participants

2009-07-26T08:49:00.006-04:00

I've created a survey on young divorces to gain an insight into the minds of young women who had mini marriages and were divorced before they had children. If you have about 15 minutes, please take my survey. Your responses will help me with my research for my book on Mini Marriages that will be published within the next year. You might even find your quote in my book! Of course I won't use your real name or any identifying information to ensure that your participation is anonymous.

If you have any questions, please email me.

To take the survey, please click on the title of this post or copy and paste this link into your browser: http://tigersurvey.com/survey.php?survey=5526

Thank you so much!!!!